Among the popular forms of relationships, the subject that has attracted our attention the most recently is the relationship terror that makes us think of bullying. In these relationships exposed, it is seen that the partners have difficulty in understanding themselves and maintain the emotional state they are exposed / exposed to, albeit involuntarily. So what are the psychological impulses of this situation?
The dating process starts from about 12 years of age during adolescence. Adolescents who have just begun to experience romantic relationships may be exposed to dating violence during this period. Dating violence; couples show sexual, emotional or physical violence towards each other and impose social restrictions on each other’s behavior. Our clinical observations; It is that dating violence negatively affects the mental and physical health of adolescents and is becoming increasingly widespread. Some problems caused by dating violence; anxiety, depression, suicide attempts, alcohol use and risky sexual behavior.
Dating violence can occur in different ways. Although most of us think of physical violence when it comes to violence, the partner’s feelings and behaviors such as criticizing, insulting and cursing, interfering with clothing and behavior, phone messaging, controlling and limiting who they are talking to and where they are, suggesting their love and jealousy by causing restrictive behavior. All of the words and actions that take control are dating violence. In addition to these behaviors, one of the partners can force the other to have sexual intercourse.
Most of the time; We try to get a yes answer by insisting, “You don’t trust me”, “You did not love me”, “You accepted when someone else said it, but …” It should not be forgotten that; approval is not actually the absence of “no”; it is the presence of a vocal and willing “yes”.
Although adolescents are sometimes subjected to dating violence, they may not want to give up this relationship. Active or passive positioning in relationships takes shape in infancy. The fact that the mother and father (caregiver) are sensitive to both the physical and the need for love and attention of the baby ensures a secure attachment of the baby. Securely attached individuals have positive expectations about themselves as well as positive expectations towards others. When the mother and father meet both the physical and the need for love and attention of the baby in an unstable manner, the baby is connected in an insecure (anxious) way. Anxiously attached babies become overly dependent on their partner in their later years. This is why they tend to continue their relationship even when exposed to dating violence. In addition, anxiously attached people worry that their feelings are not mutual and they approach their partner with suspicion. As a result of the researches, it has been found that individuals who are securely attached have longer and trust-based romantic relationships, have higher self-esteem, and are more comfortable in sharing their feelings and thoughts compared to those who are insecure. In addition, not realizing that what they are experiencing is violence (they have no experience with which they can compare) and thinking that love is like this (in the media, love is jealous, embracing, and violence is presented as a sign of love) are among the reasons for continuing the relationship in which they are subjected to dating violence. Some factors such as exposure to dysfunctional punishment methods of parents, the presence of a friend who is a victim of dating violence, and alcohol / substance use also increase the risk of dating violence.
Adolescents must learn to protect their boundaries by setting rules to establish a safe and equal relationship. In this sense, the biggest duty falls on the caregivers. It should not be forgotten that the adolescent is experiencing a period that is at the beginning of his individualization process, but is constantly reminded by the society that he is not fully adult. Caregivers should create a space where their children can hear their personal views, open up a channel of communication where they can share their experiences, and teach them to cope in a healthy way with immobile interventions (such as explanations, demonstrations, pointing to different experiences, and symbolizing). Difficult experiences in some situations can make it difficult for both parents to establish this framework and for the child to adapt to the established framework, at this point, it is definitely useful to get professional support.
Remember, you have to talk to your child to protect him, and to be able to speak you have to respect him and create the space / freedom to talk to you.